


I know that it's delicate (we can't make any promises now, can we, babe?)

by magicandlight



Series: The States [51]
Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: BUT NOW I HAVE FEELINGS, Bad Writing, Breaking Up & Making Up, F/F, Lesbian Coahuila, Nate and Austin are both good brothers, Pansexual California, Secret Relationship, This lowkey started out as a crack ship, also sorry i suck at writing AND titles now, look california is not straight in any universe i don't make the rules
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-23
Updated: 2019-09-23
Packaged: 2020-11-02 12:34:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20747564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/magicandlight/pseuds/magicandlight
Summary: Whatever this is, it's both new and not.Carmen and Cal have been hooking up since after the Civil War, but that was just hooking up. That was easy. Cal knew exactly what she was doing and knew exactly what to expect.It wasn't this weird maybe-dating, maybe-not thing they're doing now. It wasn't this complicated.Because before, it didn't matter if Carmen was out or not.





	I know that it's delicate (we can't make any promises now, can we, babe?)

_march 2007_

Cal frowns at her unlocked front door, carefully opening it and being suddenly glad that she fixed the creaking hinges last week.

She sets her camera bag down gently on the couch, grabbing the bat she keeps behind her door without looking.

After a moment of thought, she slips her feet out of her flip flops too.

Cal moves through her house with the bat raised, freezing at the entryway to the kitchen.

She lowers the bat. "Some warning maybe, next time, I thought you were with Austin."

Carmen turns to look at her. "I was." She eyes the bat. "Where you going to hit me?"

Cal resists the urge to tuck the bat behind her back. "I didn't know it was you. My house has been broken into before."

Carmen raises one her eyebrows. "Really?"

"Yeah, they stole ten bucks and the toaster, what are you doing here?" Cal pauses for a second to lean the bat against the cabinets. "Also, are those empanadas?"

Carmen shrugs, crossing her arms. "Austin had to work, but I have three days of vacation time left. Thought it'd be nice to see each other."

Cal grins and crosses the kitchen to kiss Carmen, wrapping her arms around her neck to pull her down the few inches between them.

++++++++++++

Cal runs her fingertips down Carmen's spine, laughing when Carmen shivers. "What do you want to do while you're here?" She sets her chin on Carmen's shoulder. "We could go to the beach or the movies or something. Go out to eat somewhere. Whatever you want."

Carmen turns enough so that she can see Cal's eyes. They're soft and affectionate, the light hitting them just right to turn the dark brown into golden honey.

As tempting as Cal in a bikini is, or the fact that when Cal says 'go to the movies' she usually means going to a premiere, Carmen likes this best.

Carmen kisses her brow. "Or we could just stay at home," She mumbles against Cal's cheek as she leans to kiss her. She kisses under her jaw, biting gently.

"Okay," Cal responds, sounding a little shaky as Carmen bites her throat again. Carmen grins.

++++++++++++

Cal has probably thousands of photos tucked away in her house. That's not including the ones on display, or the ones Carmen knows are in boxes in the other houses Cal owns throughout the state or in one of the state houses scattered across the nation.

Cal takes a lot of pictures. It's a fact of life.

And as someone in a tentatively defined relationship with the girl in question, Carmen should really have expected this.

Carmen's head snaps up at the click of a camera shutter, and Cal dances away from her as Carmen tries to take the polaroid from her. Cal's feet are bare, her toes painted with an aquamarine nail polish that's chipped in places. It's more endearing than it should be.

"No! My hair is a disaster! Cal!"

"I think you look beautiful!" Cal's holding the picture over her head, which isn't very effective when Carmen is four inches taller than her. It definitely isn't effective when Carmen tackles her into the couch to get the photo, waving it triumphantly. The loose white t-shirt Cal was already slipping down her shoulder before, and tackling her into the couch only made it slip down further.

Cal pouts, which definitely should not make Carmen want to kiss her breathless. "I don't have very many pictures of you," she murmurs.

Which for someone with boxes of pictures labeled affectionately with siblings' names, is a big deal.

Photos are important to Cal. Carmen knows there's a shoebox under the bed with photographs of old lovers, personifications and humans alike, that are too painful to look at and too significant to throw away.

(She doesn't want to be another photo in that box.)

Carmen pauses, and hands the photo back after a brief hesitation. 

Cal smiles.

Carmen rolls her eyes to pretend she isn't as smitten as she is. "Next time, wait until my hair is brushed to pull out the camera."

Carmen doesn't say anything when the picture makes it onto the corkboard beside Cal's desk.   
  
  


_may 2007_

Whatever_ this_ is, it's both new and not.

Carmen and Cal have been hooking up since after the Civil War, but that was just hooking up. That was easy. Cal knew exactly what she was doing and knew exactly what to expect. That had been all hotel rooms and heat, Carmen biting bruises into her skin and Cal leaving scratches over her shoulder blades.

It wasn't this weird maybe-dating, maybe-not thing they're doing now. It wasn't this complicated.

Because before, it didn't matter if Carmen was out or not.

To some extent, Cal gets it. She's had lovers before that weren't out. Hell, Cal herself had only been out around personifications for years, had loved humans that never came out.

It doesn't mean it didn't hurt when she held Carmen's hand under the table at the first continental meeting after _whatever this was_ (dating? monogamous FWBs?) had started and Carmen dropped her hand like it was poisonous the second Austin looked over.

Because Austin- Austin wouldn't _care_.

He'd be a hypocrite if he did. Cal had been there with him and Brooke, saw the way him and Theo used to fight. She knew when a boy wasn't completely straight. Besides that, Austin loves Carmen so _much_. Carmen could murder someone and he'd still love her.

It's almost better when Carmen draws the line the sand and says _nothing at meetings_ because there are boundaries now. It doesn't hurt when Carmen acts like she doesn't exist because Cal doesn't look her way either.

Mostly. She mostly ignores her.

Okay, Cal can't ignore Carmen for the life of her, because whether she knows it or not, Carmen's got her wrapped around her fingers. And maybe Cal bends the not at meetings rule _a little_. Carmen's easy to rile up and Cal can't be blamed for teasing her a little.

++++++++++++

Continental meetings have both an upside and a downside.

The upside is that Carmen gets to see Cal. The downside is that Cal takes pleasure in slowly driving Carmen insane.

Carmen was clear about them not flirting during meetings, about trying to keep everything on the down-low, which means there's no making out during lunch breaks or going to dinner together. Cal had accepted it, but that didn't mean she ever stopped testing Carmen's willpower.

The first day, it had been the skirt. It was short, but Cal lived in short-shorts and crop tops, and Carmen was mostly used to it by now.

No, the problem had been the way Cal had (purposely, Cal is a vicious vicious tease, it's _always_ on purpose) let her skirt hike up enough that Carmen could see the band of lace- the top of a stocking- wrapped around her thigh when she walked by to get up so she could present. Carmen had been so red that Reyna tried to check if she had a fever.

Today, she was wearing grey dress pants and a black button-up blouse. Which would be fine, if Cal hadn't unbuttoned it halfway.

Carmen glances over as Cal shifts and reveals the edges of black lace against her skin.

Carmen would almost think it was accidental, if it weren't for the way Cal's eyes flick to Carmen and her smirk.

_God help her_, Carmen thinks, tearing her eyes away from Cal's bare skin.

++++++++++++

Carmen rolls over again, flipping her pillow to the other side and hitting it to make it fluffy again. 

She hates sleeping in hotel rooms, hates the way the beds are either too hard or too soft.

She kicks the comforter away in frustration.

Her phone buzzes on the nightstand and Carmen immediately abandons her latest attempt at trying to get comfortable.

She smiles when she sees that it's a message from Cal.

_do u want 2 come over?_

Carmen types out her response carefully. _why? is this a booty call?_

Cal's response comes nearly a minute after it says she read it. _no._

Carmen grins, sliding out from under the sheets. _liar_, she sends back.

She slips on her shoes and tucks her room key into the pocket of her sleep shorts.

Cal opens the door before Carmen knocks, pulling her inside and closing the door.

She presses Carmen against the door and kisses her. It's rougher than how Cal usually kisses her, harder and messier with a tinge of desperation.

Carmen kisses her back just as roughly.

When Cal breaks the kiss, she buries her face in Carmen's shoulder.

Carmen looks at her when she pulls away, hands slipping from Carmen's waist to lace their fingers together.

Cal's eyes are dark and unreadable in the dim light from the lamp on the nightstand.

They sleep pressed close together, arms wrapped around each other.

Somehow, it's the most intimate thing they've ever done.

Carmen leaves before Cal wakes up.   
  
  


_september 2007_

"What's up with you lately?" Charlie asks as they rifle through a thrift store rack.

Charlie pulls out a plaid skirt, holding it to his waist. It looks strange paired with Aidan's paint-stained denim jacket and Charlie's dark green skinny jeans.

Cal tilts her head consideringly to see past the initial strangeness. "That would look good on you. It'd look good with that red sweater you have." She tells him, and Charlie adds it to the pile draped over his arm.

"You didn't answer the question." Charlie singsongs. "You know, I talked to Nate. Compared notes and all that."

Cal really wishes Charlie and Nate would stop collaborating.

"Nate says he thinks you're dating someone." Charlie continues.

Cal pulls out a leather miniskirt. Well, faux leather, she mentally corrects as she feels the material. "What do you think of this?"

"Cute. You didn't deny it."

Cal sighs. "It's- It's really complicated. They're not out yet."

Charlie hums thoughtfully, looking at Cal consideringly. "Be careful."  
  
  


_april 2008_

Carmen usually visits Cal, because that's easier. For all anyone jokes about Cal being a beach rat, she's usually busy. She's got her state paperwork and meetings with her governor and other various personification duties like meetings. Then Cal has the photography thing, where she does weddings and film set stills and seemingly everything in between.

This all means it's pretty rare for Cal to visit Carmen, so when Cal texts her about having a client having dropped her and having about a week and a half of vacation time, she kind of freaks out.

++++++++++++

Carmen is wary of PDA.

She's read the articles about men and women being jumped for the crime of being gay, being beaten or worse.

So when Cal tries to kiss her at the airport, Carmen turns her head and takes her suitcase instead.

Something flickers in Cal's brown eyes, too quick to be read, let alone understood, but Cal smiles at her and Carmen lets it go.

Cal reaches over to hold her hand on the drive home from the airport and Carmen smiles.

++++++++++++

Cal is wrapped in Carmen's sheets, the white a stark contrast against her warm brown skin. She's got one arm under her pillow, her hair fanned out over it.

Carmen can't sleep. She wonders if it's weird to watch Cal sleep, but decides she doesn't care.

She's fascinated with the ridges of her spine, the stretch marks down her thighs (there's more on her breasts), the handful of small, fading scars from minor earthquakes and the bigger ones from the ones that left the most damage. She's enamored with the way Cal's dark hair lightens into dyed blonde towards the tips, the mole on her right shoulder blade, the stark black lines of the tattoo on her wrist, the way she smells like cinnamon and saltwater.

Cal looks younger when she sleeps. It's easy to forget that for all her posturing, Cal is physically only seventeen.

Carmen brushes Cal's hair out of her face, and it's enough movement for Cal's brow to scrunch up. She lifts her head a fraction. "Carm?"

Carmen's heart melts into mush. "Go back to sleep, querida."

Cal shifts closer, more on Carmen's pillow than her own now. "'Kay. Night, babe."  
  
  


_july 2008_

"Do you want to meet my siblings?"

Carmen's hand stills where it had been playing with Cal's hair. 

"Nevermind. Forget it." Cal says after a long moment of silence.

_august 2009_

The first time Cal had flirted with her, Carmen had thought she was just another cocky state, and in a way, Cal _was_.

Cal had a sort of unshakeable confidence, the kind you had to be born with. Cal was a woman who refused to make herself smaller for anyone. 

Maybe it was the confidence, or maybe it was something else, but somehow Cal managed to wrap Carmen around her fingers without even noticing. 

_november 2009_

"Do you want to go watch a movie or something tonight? Get dinner?" Cal asks. 

They're wrapped up in Cal's sheets, legs tangled together, Carmen's head resting against Cal's chest.

"Can't we just stay here?" Carmen replies softly, kissing Cal's neck. "Just like this?"

Cal swallows the disappointment, running her fingers through Carmen's hair. "Yeah, sure."

_march 2010_

Carmen always feels anxious in public with Cal, like someone will be able to see the affection in her eyes and tell that she's gay.

She deals with it, though, because Cal asked her too.

That doesn't mean she doesn't wish Cal would finish her coffee so they could leave. 

"I can't do this anymore," Cal says, suddenly. She'd been unusually quiet since they got to the cute little coffee shop.

Carmen raises her eyebrows. 

Cal doesn't meet her eyes. "I get that you aren't ready to be out, but we don't- we don't go on dates, Carmen. You don't want to meet my siblings- Nate is _worried_ about me, and so is Charlie. Even now, you don't want to be here."

Cal shakes her head and scrubs her hand over her face. "If you didn't want an actual relationship, if you just wanted to fuck me, then you should have just said so. Don't lead me on."

Carmen's throat is too tight to even attempt to speak. 

Cal doesn't even sound angry, just tired. Cal looks down at her coffee, and when she looks up her face is resolute. "I won't be anyone's dirty little secret. Not even for you, Carmen."

Carmen looks away as Cal leaves, and it's only when she's gone that Carmen allows herself to put her head in her hands. 

  
_may 2010_

"Nice shirt," Austin says the minute he sees her as he takes one of her bags, and Carmen has to look down to remember what she's wearing.

It's a red tanktop that says _(Judging you in Spanish). _It's cropped, so the paws of the cougar tattooed on her ribs show.

It's one of Cal's, the one Carmen borrowed to wear over her swimsuit last time and Cal said to keep because it looked better on her. (Carmen disagrees, but Cal is stubborn.)

"I'm gay."

Austin blinks at her, shock written all over his face before he schools it to something more neutral. "Okay? And?"

If she had done this two months ago, this would be the part where she would tell him about Cal.

Now it seems pointless. Cal- Callie isn't her girlfriend.

++++++++++++

"Okay, I haven't said anything all weekend because I didn't want to bug you if you didn't want to talk, but what's going on with you?" Austin says during dinner one night. 

Carmen pushes her rice around her plate. "What do you mean?"

Austin gestures at her plate. "I have never seen you not immediately stuff half an enchilada into your mouth, and you haven't even touched it."

Carmen raises an eyebrow. "Maybe I'm not hungry, you ever think about that, mister I-have-seven-doctorates?"

Austin just looks at her the same way he looks at patients who lie to him. "Is this about the thing that you told me at the airport?"

"You mean the _gay_ thing, Austin?" Carmen snaps and instantly regrets it when Austin draws back.

"I wasn't trying to be- homophobic or anything. I'm sorry." Austin mumbles.

Carmen sighs. "You weren't. I'm just." She closes her eyes. "I was dating someone. And they broke up with me, okay?"

Austin gives her a sympathetic look. "Human?"

Carmen weighs the pros and cons of lying and saying yes before she just gives up. "No. I was dating Callie, okay?"

Austin just stares at her. "What?"

++++++++++++

When Cal comes back from the grocery store, Nate is lying on her couch.

"You didn't answer your phone." He tells her primly. "It's been over 48 hours."

Cal winces. Her and Nate had an agreed-upon amount of time it was okay to drop off the face of the earth without forewarning.

"I broke my phone." She tells him, which is part of the truth. She doesn't tell him she broke it after Austin sent her text asking what she did to Carmen and Cal threw her phone at the wall.

Because it was always her fault. She was always the bad guy. Cal was the heartbreaker, as always.

Nate is watching her with worried eyes. "How about I make cupcakes and then we just watch trashy movies?" 

Cal offers him a tired smile. "That sounds perfect." 

_august 2010_

"Can we talk?" Carmen asks when Cal is refilling her coffee at the next continental meeting and Cal closes her eyes, hands tightening around her coffee cup. 

She turns around. Forces herself not to look for any sign that Carmen misses her the way Cal misses her. This is not the first time Cal has nursed a broken heart. "I don't think we have anything to talk about."

++++++++++++

"I told Austin that I was gay," Carmen tells Cal as she falls into step beside her. "I told everyone."

Cal doesn't look at her. "We didn't break up because you were in the closet, Carmen."

Carmen grabs her arm, pulling her just enough that Cal stops walking and looks at her. "I know. We broke up because I was a coward, because I didn't want to have to deal with the way people would look at us or things they would say." Carmen looks away. "I just thought you'd want to know."

_october 2010_

"I'm not saying you should immediately go back to how it was," Nate starts, "But maybe it wasn't as bad as you thought it was."

Cal glares at him. Nate just shrugs as well as he can when Emily's asleep on his shoulder. She'd fallen asleep three hours into the Halloween party and Nate refused to wake her up. Cal wasn't sure how she could sleep through the music. 

"I don't think that Carmen just wanted to use you, okay? I've seen the way she looks at you. I think she was just scared." Nate runs his hands through his hair, a bad decision since it completely ruins the careful way he had styled it. "I'm on your side, okay, I just think you should maybe give her a chance. You've been miserable since you broke up."

Cal glances towards the dining room where Carmen and Austin have spent most of the party and sighs. "Fine."

++++++++++++

Austin stops talking abruptly. 

Carmen raises her eyebrows, about to ask why when someone taps her shoulder. 

She spins, freezing when she sees Cal. 

Cal smiles uncertainly. "Hey. Do you still want to talk?"

"Um." Carmen's brain finally catches up to the situation. "Yes! Yes, I still want to talk."

++++++++++++

Austin keeps an eye on his sister and Cal as they move towards a corner of the room to talk, Cal looking uncertain as she speaks. 

He looks away when Carmen grabs Cal's face and kisses her, rolling his eyes. 

"Great, now I owe Nate money." He mutters, and isn't even half as annoyed as he sounds. 

++++++++++++

"I can't believe you bet money on me." Cal hisses as she sits down beside Nate again, hair a little messed up and a red lipstick smudge under her jaw. "Don't think I didn't see that."

Nate mentions neither the hair or the lipstick. "If it's any consolation, it wasn't on whether or not you would get back together. It was on when. Austin's emotionally repressed and thought it be sometime next summer."

Cal rolls her eyes at him. "I'm going to replace you with Aidan as my favorite brother."

Nate snorts. "No, you won't, Aidan doesn't let you put eyeliner on him."


End file.
